disillusions and minutiae ; b1a4 ; jindeul

[kantamu]

Title: disillusions and minutiae
Pairing: Jinyoung/Sandeul
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 1800
Summary: The colour of a memory is proportional to the details, while spring is a time for youth and all else happens after. Jinyoung meets Junghwan by chance but life is dictated by more than just that.
Notes: Originally written for noxiouscherries for b1a4ss.

Junghwan is all unkempt hair and bright eyes, obnoxious laughter and bad jokes, flushed cheeks and quick words. He is determination and smiles and a voice Jinyoung could only dream of, and—

"Hyung, I don't think—"

"Shh, Dongwoo's sleeping."

he sighs. Jinyoung pretends he doesn't hear the disappointment.

∝

It's three weeks into the term and this means assignments piling up not quite done and just enough laziness from the summer still impairing judgement and holding them back from spending hours on end in the library. This doesn't stop Junghwan from gently reminding Jinyoung that staring blankly at the screen isn't going to get anything done, or Dongwoo from having finished his own assignments two days after they were assigned.

Frankly, Jinyoung finds it a little unfair. "I always finish on time," he says to Junghwan and "go away," to Dongwoo as he leans back in his chair.

"If you say so, hyung," Junghwan says. There's a beat where he stands under the rigid arch of Jinyoung's doorway, halfway to halfway to halfway of a step forward. Jinyoung wants to say something—Junghwan beats him to it.

"I'm leaving now," Junghwan says, and Jinyoung nods and walks him to the door and watches as he puts on his shoes with his backpack still slung over his shoulders. It slides forward and hits him on the head when Junghwan bends over, and he laughs, and he laughs.

It's too early, Jinyoung thinks. When Junghwan turns around to wave when he's halfway down the sidewalk, Jinyoung could have sworn that Junghwan does too.

∝

Spring is for youth but leave the summer for accidents. April may be the cruelest month but June and July are not free of blame.

There is nothing to apologise for. There is everything to live for. The year is still young.

The world is still young.

∝

"Sometimes, I think about being an astronaut."

They're sitting at table outside the library cafeteria, Junghwan scuffing his feet against the floor and Jinyoung toying at his noodles with his chopsticks. The sun is bright through the windows, and within the pleasantly climate controlled interior, it's impossible to tell if it's spring or winter or fall. Junghwan had finished his own lunch and now sat with his chin between his hands and his elbows against the table, eyes half closed and a contemplative pout on his lips.

"What brought this on?" Jinyoung asks.

Junghwan laughs, sliding his elbows down until his chin is resting against the table. "I was watching a drama," he says. "It seemed fun."

"It seems like a lot of hard work," Jinyoung comments. He's not actually hungry—he's just in the habit of eating lunch around this time.

Junghwan frowns. "Everything is a lot of work," he says. "But I guess I ended up thinking what else I could be doing. Like, I wanted to sing when I was little, right? But I never told my mom. Maybe I should've?"

"You'll never know," Jinyoung agrees, and Junghwan laughs in response.

"Hyung, you're not helpful at all," he complains, and Jinyoung just smiles. Words are lost in the echoes of conversation, the same ones repeated day in and day over, a montage of complaints and small triumphs decreasing towards motony as exams loom closer. So Jinyoung just smiles.

"I guess I can just design the space ships instead," Junghwan muses after a moment. "It's almost as good."

"I don't see why you can't," Jinyoung says, and Junghwan frowns at him. "Be an astronaut, I mean."

"Are we still talking about the same thing?"

Jinyoung offers to get his roommate to break them into the planetarium instead, "with a key," he clarifies, when Junghwan looks like he's about to refuse. "It's not really breaking in," he reassures him.

This is what Jinyoung remembers. It's a good memory. There's nothing wrong with it. There's also nothing remarkable about it. There's a hundred more where it came from, and a hundred more to come.

∝

"I think you need a break," Dongwoo says to him, and Jinyoung is inclined to agree. The words are blurring in front of his eyes.

He gets up and takes a walk to the kitchen, where Junghwan pats him sympathetically on the shoulder.

"Do you want eggs?" he asks. "I'm making myself a snack."

"No thanks," Jinyoung says, "I'm on a diet."

Junghwan hands Jinyoung a cup of water instead.

∝

He meets Sunwoo through Junghwan, and Jinyoung takes an immediate liking to the younger boy. Sunwoo is loud and obnoxious but knows when to stop, smiles followed by teasing jabs and conversation bandied this way and that. His roommate is quieter and takes an immediate liking to Jinyoung. Junghwan introduces him proudly, saying "this is our Channie, isn't he handsome?" and Jinyoung agrees. "Hi, I'm Gong Chansik," the boy says, shrugging Junghwan off. Junghwan frowns in mock hurt and leans against Jinyoung instead.

"Don't stay up too late, you have class tomorrow morning," Dongwoo reminds them all as he passes through the living room on the way from the shower, his hair is still wet and trailing a damp path against the carpeted floor.

"I don't," Chansik pipes up, and Sunwoo groans.

"He rubs it in all the time," he complains, but he doesn't mean it, and Chansik knows he doesn't mean it.

Junghwan is oddly absent in this memory.

Oddly, because it was Chansik who disappeared halfway through the evening, only to be found curled up by Dongwoo's side. Jinyoung isn't sure what to make of this. He isn't sure if he can make anything of this at all.

∝

There are no wrong judgements. There is nothing to regret. Spring is for youth but youth is prone to being mistaken.

There are no mistakes.

There were never any mistakes to begin with.

∝

Jinyoung breaks up with his girlfriend of two years days before exams start, and Jiho mentions that he's going to be moving out soon. Arrangements are made and Junghwan ends up moving in at the end of the month, and it all works out that he'd left apartment hunting to the last minute. The air conditioner breaks in the third week of April, and the electric fan becomes their new best friend. Exams go as well as exams might go, sandwiched between library hours and late nights and too much coffee and booze. Dongwoo wakes up first and nudges Jinyoung awake once the bathroom is free, and Jinyoung remembers to start the water boiling only half the time. Meals are foregone here and there and made up for by pizza delivered at three in the morning that ends up being left on the table until the next afternoon more often than not. One of them makes sure Jiho has gotten out of bed before they leave the apartment, a sort of roommate obligation to passed exams.

His afternoons are emptier without unending texts and daily phonecalls, but not much else changes. He isn't too heartbroken over it, or over her.

"You're a liar and you know it," Dongwoo tells him. Jinyoung's done his exams and Dongwoo has one more to go, but he's keeping him company anyway on the balcony, Jinyoung leaning back in a deck chair with a bottle of beer in one hand and a lit cigarette in the other. Dongwoo eyes the former and wrinkles his nose at the latter, but makes no comments otherwise. It works out.

"We barely saw each other," Jinyoung says.

"Stop avoiding the subject."

Jinyoung thinks he has things a little mixed up.

∝

Jinyoung is a good kisser, and gentle. He's had the practice. Sometimes his fingers slip from waist to back to neck and trace against jawline, but this is immaterial.

The stale taste of alcohol lingers on his tongue.

∝

Junghwan is singing the first time Jinyoung sees him, and they end up talking quite by chance a few days later. They're in line at the cafeteria and it's unbearably slow, and the boy in front of him turns around and catches Jinyoung's eye and says hi before he catches himself and thinks better of it.

"Sorry, you seemed familiar?" the boy says, and Jinyoung smiles.

"I was at the school showcase," Jinyoung says. "My friend thought you were very good."

The boy's face lights up, eyes crinkling into slits that disappear behind the thick frames of his glasses. "I'm not very," he says. "But tell your friend thanks!"

"Sure," Jinyoung says.

"Oh, I'm Lee Junghwan," Junghwan says, and then he pauses: "But what about you, what did you think?"

Jinyoung laughs, and tucks his phone into his pocket. "That's a bit of a loaded question, isn't it?"

Junghwan frowns and tilts his head, and Jinyoung introduces himself. It's weeks later before Jinyoung makes the offhand comment that one could be friends with themselves, but Junghwan just narrows his eyes in confusion before shrugging it off entirely, only coming back once every few weeks to ask Jinyoung "but what do you mean?"

It's a very ordinary first meeting, and Jinyoung has no trouble recounting it.

∝

Junghwan likes to point out the insignificant things. In the morning, he flips through the news on his laptop and broadcasts the articles he finds interesting: the kittens nursed by the dog, the glass panes that fell from the condo downtown and cut off traffic for hours, blocking the ambulances, the city council approving funding for a new bus line. No one's awake in the morning, and Junghwan is no exception.

It's too early. They'll repeat this in the afternoon.

∝

Junghwan likes to rearrange life for him to fit. Jinyoung likes to rearrange his life to fit him. Summer is a time for accidents. There are no mistakes.

∝

"I think you need a break," Dongwoo says to him, and Junghwan is inclined to agree. The words are blurring in front of his eyes.

He gets up and takes a walk to the kitchen, where Jinyoung pats him sympathetically on the shoulder.

"Do you want eggs?" he asks. "I'm making myself a snack."

"No thanks," Junghwan starts to say—but there's no one there at all.

Dongwoo hands Junghwan a cup of water instead.

"Did you know, hyung?" Junghwan asks. His voice cracks a little. The glass of water drops from his hand, and they both watch it fall. It breaks cleanly into three large pieces but for a few miniscule crystals quickly drowned in the impromptu lake. He bends down, catching the largest piece in the palm of his hand; it slips, sliding across the pad of his thumb. The lake is tinged pink, the glass stained bright red. Junghwan glances up and catches Dongwoo's eye.

Dongwoo shrugs. "Maybe. Some. I knew he broke up with her. I knew why he wanted the key. I knew you."

Nothing makes sense. It's a little too little, a little too late. Junghwan wants to regret something, but there is nothing to regret. There is nothing to ask. There was nothing to ask.

∝

There are two summers.

Junghwan wonders if he has things a little mixed up.






---

i opened this again on a whim, due to a discussion that mentioned lines from wips that had been abandoned but that we still liked. all i remembered was that there were several lines i'd liked from this, but ultimately, i never edited this properly and reposted it. today, when i opened it, i wondered why i had wanted to rewrite it. but, to explain from the end, there were two summers, and junghwan was reading jinyoung's diary. junghwan rearranges life for him to fit. jinyoung passes away from an accident in the second summer. jinyoung had broken up with his girlfriend out of guilt for liking junghwan, but he never told him, and so, junghwan has nothing to regret, because he never knew. jinyoung, of course, knew, and upon reading his diary, junghwan too, knew. he wishes he'd known earlier.